Édiôniesù

Édiôniesù Vrainicchrestu, or simply, Édiôniesù, is a spiritual conglomeration of Dionysus and Jesus of Nazareth. The Massaliot Couinant Church believes that they are the same person. Édiôniesù is also known by a number of other epithets, such as the Father Incarnate and the True Vine. The Chaumentaine monarchy consider themselves mediums of Édiôniesù, ruling by divine right.

Édiôniesù Vrainicchrestu was born 25 Dôzièrrsant 1 A.B.V. in Palaistíne, Byzasin Empire as  Édiôniesù of Naçareene to Semarí and Josét, a wine presser.

Circumstances of Birth
Édiôniesù’s mother, Semarí, claimed to be impregnated by  Âulinessé, or Dagon-Zeus-Yahweh. She told her betrothed Josét, but he was suspicious of the woman’s claims. He thought her an adultress:"“Three weeks eventide, I shalt anull myne betrœthal to Semarí. O, Fath’r, she wast proven to be a wife of ‘noth’r, for a seed has began to grow in ‘er… Myne own goode humours shalt be nought untill she has proven h’rself myne wife again.” - Josét to his father, Jaquó"That night, Josét had a dream from Orotalt—Eastern equivalent of Dionysus. He wrote again to his father:"“Fath’r, I think myself a madman—or perhaps myne mind’s purple-hu’d from last night. Orotalt visit’d my dreams, appear’ng wrapp’d in vines and velvet silks. Clouds’re about His waist; I could not see below His hips. He says to me: ‘Josét, son of Jaquó, son of Zèrubbé, son of Uzèn, come forthe.’ I bow’d to the Great God, wondrous He is! and begg’d Him mercy for myne wrongdoings. He paid little heed, and then commanded me: ‘Thou shall take care of Semarí’s child as thy owne. And thou shall name him Édiôniesù.’ I then says to Him: ‘But Orotalt, I have not fath’r’d any child! Why shall it be myne?’ He gave no response, and left me to wake in my own sweat and tears. I Fear Him; I doubt Him.”"Semarí, too, received a dream from Orotalt, where the god told her to name the child Édiôniesù. It also told her, as soon as she felt birth pains, to travel to a nearby cave, that served as a holy place for ceremonial events. A month later, she followed the dream’s advice, removing her sandals upon entering the cave.

Josét returned home from wine pressing and did not find Semarí at their place of residence. He asked their neighbor, Àmasí, of her whereabouts. Josét promised him eighty shekels in return for her location, and Àmasí agreed.

While Josét was traveling to the cave, Semarí heard the voice of Âulinessé, who told her to pay no heed to any upcoming threats, and that Josét was to become Édiôniesù’s effective father. An angel sent by Estrodité, or Tanit-Astarte-Aphrodite, proceeded to assist Semarí in birthing the child. Josét entered the cave thereafter, holding a scythe in his hands. He made the following threat:"“Myne betrœth’d Semarí, I thought thou sweet ‘n good as the wine I press, but thou’ve betray’d me. Thou will meet thyne end to-day, in this cave, where the gods shalt see thou as thou art: a betray’r, a begot’r of oth’rs, a cheating wife—a simple harlot o’ the dunes! May the gods bless us, for I’ve known no greater rage!”"Josét began to approach her. Josét recounted the miracle that followed:"“Though the cave hadst no op'nings, a sudden gust clear'd the sand, which did obstruct myne view. I wip’d myne eyes and saw that a wall of light now surrounded my betrœth’d. My rage—like the sand beneath myne tir’d feet—was swept off into the distance by the beauty of the light and myne betrœth’d. Love washed ov’r me, and I knew that Astarte was in our presence. I dropp’d the scythe, then dropp’d to my knees, begging fer mercy from the goddess. I took the child and kiss’d his head; nev’r was there a child so sweet. I pledg’d my loyalty to her, to nev’r take a scythe in myne hands—nor any weapon of sort—to be a good husband to myne dear Semarí and Fath’r to Édiôniesù.”"

Early Life
Josét’s letters to his father—who died shortly after the child turned thirteen—are the only records Chaumentaine scholars have of Édiôniesù’s early life. Hence, little is known.

Josét taught Édiôniesù wine pressing at a young age. The child soon became interested in the viticultural arts. The owner of the vineyard, Jōhánnes, allowed Édiôniesù to participate in all varieties of work—planting, harvesting, fermenting, etc.

Josét wrote to his father that Édiôniesù was a happy, loving child who enjoyed the outdoors and was found of animals. He was also said to be heavily pious and spiritual. Josét expressed that:"“The boy knowst ‘is scripts ‘n texts bett’r than the local priest himself, I assure thee, Fath’r! I ‘ear him murmur in ‘is sleep of the gods and the angels; they cert’nly speak to him. I think Édiôniesù hast three loves, Fath’r: Âulinessé—the gods wholly—and all in his kingdom, Semarí and I, and the art of wine.'"

Works
Édiôniesù had his first profound religious experience as an adolescent. He claimed that Âulinessé began to speak to him at the age of twelve. When he presented Josét with this news, his father grew furious—to the point of near violence. Édiôniesù materialized a chalice of wine, and handed it to Josét. Josét took a sip, and his rage immediately calmed. His father no longer questioned his son’s spiritual connection with Âulinessé.

The next year, the vineyard Édiôniesù and his father worked on experienced an especially difficult season. Hearing of his recent miracle performed on Josét, the vineyard owner invited Édiôniesù to survey the land. Édiôniesù determined that the soil was too dry for the grapes to properly grow, and prayed to Âulinessé to bring rain to Naçareene. The next day, it rained; the weather continued to work in favour of the vineyard owner for the remainder of the season, and he saw his best wine made that year.

The vineyard owner told his fellow viticulturists of Édiôniesù’s work, and the miracle worker was called to action all over Palaistíne. In 17 B.B.V., Édiôniesù travelled to Galié, hearing that the town was plagued by an especially destructive species of  locusts. Once he arrived, announcing that he intended to preach the teachings of Âulinessé, the city guards prevented Édiôniesù from entering, thinking him another cultist. Édiôniesù told them that he could rid them of the locusts, and they responded in laughter. Édiôniesù, unable to enter the city, camped outside the city walls that night. One of the guards wrote to the prefect of the city:"“This boy—no ‘airs yet on ‘is chin—touch’d the dirt. He touch’d the infertile ground with ‘is palm and out from the sand, a soft bed of almond blossoms bloom’d. Though ‘twas late in the eve, a ray of light surround’d it, and shone through the night’s clouds. When dawn broke, the boy show’d again at the gates with almonds in his hands. He said to us: ‘From the infertile sand, I have produc’d this gift. Thou’st seen the Grace of Édiôniesù; now allow me to enter the city, if thou willing.’”"The guards opened the gate, and Édiôniesù entered. Upon his first moments in Galié, he met a harem of famished prostitutes outside a brothel. There, he met Madalène, matron of the establishment. He presented her with a ripened fig, and told her to bury it nearby. She followed his orders, and the fruit developed into a fully-grown tree the next day. Édiôniesù was reported to have said to her: “Never shall thy workers grow hungry again, m’Lady,” and left the next morning.

Édiôniesù then entered the city lord’s manor without resistance from the guards, where he met the lord’s advisor. To Édiôniesù, he said:"“I’ve ‘eard thy name from my Lord’s men; they sayst thou couldst save our city from the locusts that plague us. Thou’st’ve arrived at my Lord’s doorstep. I shall trust thee with ridding us of the locusts, and I trust that my Lord wilst reward thou.”"Édiôniesù visited the largest farms in the city’s vicinity, and discovered the location of the locusts’ nest. He made the locusts drunk with the smell of wine, and they fell to the ground, dead. The lord of Galié offered Édiôniesù a rich plot of land, and the prophet accepted. He made a vineyard out of the plot, and then gifted the land to Madalène, offering it as a dower to the matron. Public records of their marriage do not exist, but historians consider it likely that she accepted the dower and Édiôniesù’s marriage proposal.

Death and Resurrection
In 33 B.B.V., Byzasin emperor Pegrius XIII sentenced Édiôniesù to a public execution. He commanded the fig tree the prophet planted outside the Galié brothel be brought to the capital and planted outside his palace. Édiôniesù was tied to the tree. Guards were to never leave his body, and they were encouraged to torture the prophet. One guard was said to have used thorned grape vines to tighten the restraints. Other guards were reported to have beaten him with his own thyrsus. On the ninth day of his sentence, Pegrius XIII ordered that a flock of vultures be released to finish off Édiôniesù, who had already grown weak from only drinking rainwater and eating figs that had fallen close to him. The vultures ripped out his liver, and he died shortly thereafter, due to exsanguination.

Pegrius XIII allowed his guards to leave their post, letting the body of the prophet be taken care of by the vultures. Three days later, one of the guards noticed that the body of Édiôniesù had completely disappeared. The fig tree showed no signs the prophet had ever been tied there; the blood from three days before now appeared as wine stains on the tree’s bark. Followers of the prophet, especially his most loyal disciples, henceforth believed that the prophet resurrected on this twelfth day and ascended to Âulinessé’s Kingdom.